Only in Vegas

I started the evening last night at a wedding chapel. A new one, a big, fancy one that was having its official grand opening reception. They had two — two! — Elvis impersonators. The dedication was moving, with the owners displaying a plaque memorializing the long marriages of their parents and their own 40-year union. There was a lot of talk about love and commitment and people building a future together.

Then I got invited to a porn party.

The annual Adult Video News trade show starts today, where porn purveyors from all over flock to Vegas to "meet" and "greet" and show off their products and give each other awards for screwing on camera. An old roommate from when I first moved here knows people who know people in that world, and she periodically calls me up when she has some of them over. I don't know why. Maybe she's trying to impress me.

Just about everyone had their clothes on, and there were few people there that you would want to see with their clothes off. One fat guy was walking around in a tiny leather thong and a bow tie. Other than that it looked like a normal mixer. But it was awful. Everyone was practically shouting while talking to each other. It was supposed to be BYOB, but almost nobody did, so all that was available was the hostess' box-o-wine and a rapidly dwindling case of Heineken that somebody brought. While people were talking at the top of their voices, they bopped and flounced around like teenagers trying to be naughty for the first time — but these people were all middle-aged and up.

Still, it was worth it just to hear what bullshit my old roommate was spewing this time around:

1. She's starting a nudist bed and breakfast in her house. Except, it's not her house. She's buying it from one of her partners in the business. (It's a damn nice house, by the way. Big yard. Pool. Tennis court.) It's valued at $370,000 in county records. And she has a lot of partners in the venture, but she's fired a few, and she's planning on firing the guy who's allegedly selling her the house.

Yes, talking to this woman frequently makes your head spin.

2. Her ex-husband and his new girlfriend have a hit out on them from the Mob. They ripped off someone's drugs and now there's a contract on their lives. "How can you know that?" I said. "Those aren't exactly advertised." She said her "bouncer" told her, and he knows because he knows "everyone" in town. No one at the party was acting even remotely like a bouncer.

3. There's another business in the works — a nudist resort on 10 acres outside of town. Then the house would be set up for swing parties. Or maybe it was the other way around. The property is really nice, she said, with a race track, and horse exercise yard, and really good stables .... "Um," I said, "is it a good idea to ride a horse naked?" She then told me that the house on the property is the one used in the movie "Casino." Problem: While that house exists, it is not out of town. It's well inside town, actually. Also, it doesn't sit on 10 acres, and it's on a freakin' golf course.

So it was fun. But I'm going to ignore her calls from now on.