An interview with Sarah Palin's speechwriter

After Sarah Palin’s jaw-dropping performance at the Iowa Freedom Summit, I reached out to her not-quite-official presidential campaign and scored an interview with her speechwriter, here referred to as SPS – Sarah Palin’s Speechwriter.  (He insisted on anonymity because he said being named would interfere with his career as an Alaskan pipeline performance artist. No, I don’t know what that is.)

AC: How did you become Sarah Palin’s speechwriter?

SPS: Well, like all things good, it started at an all-American freedom gun show. Me and my buddy were at the backlot range with the .50-cal, and the guv and her passel came wanderin’ back. She took a turn with the rifle and dropped the engine block out of a pickup truck on the range, and I said, ‘Any woman who can do that should be president of the United States of America.’ So I showed her my book.

AC: What’s your book?

SPS: Grab Freedom By The Balls. It’s my life story.

AC: So then what happened?

SPS: A job interview. I thought it would be all formal, but it was just me and her and a plate of Rocky Mountain Oysters at this joint called the Dewdrop Inn.

AC: Wow. That’s all of a theme, your book and the oysters.

SPS: Huh?

AC: Please continue. 

SPS: So she said, ‘I need strong words. Grizzly words. Words that stomp all over the lame-stream media with all their canoodlin’ with the Meetup Wall Street activist types that’s corroding our country into jackboots between a rock and a hard place in the frying pan.’

AC: Huh?

SPS: So I said, ‘Guv, I got rogue grizzly words. No rules with my words. You can maverick the shit out of them, pardon my Swahili.’ She liked that. ‘Pardon my Swahili.’ I’m surprised she hasn’t whipped that one out on the trail.

AC: Well, people pretty much think she stepped in it at the Iowa Freedom Summit. Did you write that speech?

SPS: Darn tootin’. And she didn’t step in it – she stepped on it. She stomped her boots down on all comers and floored that NASCAR attack through the glass ceiling.

AC: That doesn’t make any –

SPS: Listen, to the conservative real Americans, all the guv has to do is remind ’em of her family values and the mama bear instincts and handlin’ a moose when she finds one, and remember, the man will try to ride you like a Saul Alinsky trick from his Black Friday anarchist’s cookbook, but don’t buy any retreads – the truth is in the American pie. And Sarah Palin has the birthday cake for America.

AC: She has cake, but no pie?

SPS: Exactly. It’s birthday cake in America. Let’s blow some candles.