Breaking News: Hillary Clinton uses telegraph, carrier pigeons

Despite Hillary Clinton's admission that she should've used a government email address instead of a private one while she was secretary of state, controversy continued to dog her with revelations that she routinely uses a telegraph and carrier pigeons in order to get around federal public records rules.

"Oh yeah, she's got a whole squad of retired Navy guys in command centers around the world, manning telegraph machines," said a source who pleaded for anonymity because divulging the information could endanger his testicles. "She can send a message to anywhere, and almost no one has access to it, and even then they'd need to know Morse code."

Stranger still is the use of carrier pigeons by the former First Lady, senator and secretary of state who is poised to be the automatic front-runner for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination. She apparently commissioned a top-secret aviary on the roof of the State Department in Washington, D.C., which served as headquarters for a pigeon messaging network that stretched from Montreal to Arkansas.

She reportedly had an elite kit of pigeons – nicknamed "Pigeon Force One" – that she took with her on overseas trips to conduct secret diplomacy by strapping coded, handwritten messages to the birds' legs.

"When you think about it, it's [expletive] brilliant," said Quincy B. Arthur Chesterfield III, an Australian diplomat and dilettante who runs the only security consulting company that would return Senseless City's calls. "Who looks at [expletive] pigeons? One more 'rat with wings' flying through the air – I mean, who gives a flying [expletive] [expletive]?

"Except for the pigeons, of course," he added. "I'm sure they flying [expletive] [expletive] all the  [expletive] time."

The revelations stem from a bar bet made by Randall Chowley and Thomas "Neo" Anderson (no, not that one), who used to work at the State Department aviary. They had pictures and video from the top-secret site, and therefore won free drinks for the rest of last Friday night as well as 10 minutes apiece alone in the back booth with waitress and bartender Betty Sue, who reportedly turned both of them down for prom 18 years ago.

According to co-workers and neighbors, neither man has been seen nor heard from in several days.

LIVE BLOG UPDATE: Hillary Clinton has called a hasty press conference to deal with these new revelations. I'll do my best to post as we go.

7 p.m.: There are A LOT of people here. I guess you could say we're "flocking" to the story. Ha ha, LOL.

7:06 p.m.: Mrs. Clinton is speaking, but it's weird. She's not looking at the teleprompter, and she's not looking at us either. She seems to be looking at her Secret Service detail and blinking very rapidly .... hold on, she's communicating! My Morse code is rusty, but I'll give it a whirl.

7:09 p.m.: I'm caught up. I'll type as I go .... O O R S  L O C K E D  H A V E  T H E M  A L L  K I L L E D ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................