NRA unveils 'Pack a Piece for Jesus' initiative

FAIRFAX, Va. – In the aftermath of a shooting that left nine dead at a Charleston, S.C., church, the National Rifle Association announced a “Pack a Piece For Jesus” campaign that the gun rights organization said would “ensure religious liberty is protected the only way that liberty can be protected – with high-caliber ammunition.”

“(Preferably hollow point),” the NRA statement added.

All churchgoers should bring loaded firearms to services this weekend, according to the NRA’s call to arms. 

“Any assault in a church is an assault on Jesus, and since Jesus founded America, we must answer force with force and firearms with firearms,” said NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre at a press conference. 

“Pistol-packing parishioners would do well to buy bullets in bulk while brushing up on the Bible.”

The attack on the historic Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church shocked the nation, as a white man with apparently racist views allegedly gunned down people engaged in Bible study.

LaPierre also turned to the Bible in advocating for the NRA’s Jesus-needs-your-guns position.

“I know the Bible says, ‘He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone,’ ” he said. “But that was then. What good is ‘throwing a stone’? That’s just bringing a slingshot to a gunfight!”

Aides to the NRA president acknowledged that the program would be controversial, and a wide spectrum of church leaders immediately condemned it, saying that Christianity preaches forgiveness, understanding and community building, not retribution. 

The NRA, however, stood unbowed.

“Listen,” said LaPierre, “it’s just a fact: If Jesus packed heat, he woulda kicked a lot of Roman ass.”

(Want to see Jesus kick some ass? Yes, you do. Click here.)

(Photo credit.)

Breaking News: Hillary Clinton uses telegraph, carrier pigeons

Despite Hillary Clinton's admission that she should've used a government email address instead of a private one while she was secretary of state, controversy continued to dog her with revelations that she routinely uses a telegraph and carrier pigeons in order to get around federal public records rules.

"Oh yeah, she's got a whole squad of retired Navy guys in command centers around the world, manning telegraph machines," said a source who pleaded for anonymity because divulging the information could endanger his testicles. "She can send a message to anywhere, and almost no one has access to it, and even then they'd need to know Morse code."

Stranger still is the use of carrier pigeons by the former First Lady, senator and secretary of state who is poised to be the automatic front-runner for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination. She apparently commissioned a top-secret aviary on the roof of the State Department in Washington, D.C., which served as headquarters for a pigeon messaging network that stretched from Montreal to Arkansas.

She reportedly had an elite kit of pigeons – nicknamed "Pigeon Force One" – that she took with her on overseas trips to conduct secret diplomacy by strapping coded, handwritten messages to the birds' legs.

"When you think about it, it's [expletive] brilliant," said Quincy B. Arthur Chesterfield III, an Australian diplomat and dilettante who runs the only security consulting company that would return Senseless City's calls. "Who looks at [expletive] pigeons? One more 'rat with wings' flying through the air – I mean, who gives a flying [expletive] [expletive]?

"Except for the pigeons, of course," he added. "I'm sure they flying [expletive] [expletive] all the  [expletive] time."

The revelations stem from a bar bet made by Randall Chowley and Thomas "Neo" Anderson (no, not that one), who used to work at the State Department aviary. They had pictures and video from the top-secret site, and therefore won free drinks for the rest of last Friday night as well as 10 minutes apiece alone in the back booth with waitress and bartender Betty Sue, who reportedly turned both of them down for prom 18 years ago.

According to co-workers and neighbors, neither man has been seen nor heard from in several days.

LIVE BLOG UPDATE: Hillary Clinton has called a hasty press conference to deal with these new revelations. I'll do my best to post as we go.

7 p.m.: There are A LOT of people here. I guess you could say we're "flocking" to the story. Ha ha, LOL.

7:06 p.m.: Mrs. Clinton is speaking, but it's weird. She's not looking at the teleprompter, and she's not looking at us either. She seems to be looking at her Secret Service detail and blinking very rapidly .... hold on, she's communicating! My Morse code is rusty, but I'll give it a whirl.

7:09 p.m.: I'm caught up. I'll type as I go .... O O R S  L O C K E D  H A V E  T H E M  A L L  K I L L E D ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Police: Lethal force "only option" against fact-wielder

Las Vegas police shot and killed a downtown arts district leader Friday who was allegedly waving an inconvenient fact at police officers and city officials.

Westley Myles Isbutt, who owned the Arts Factory and Bar+Bistro, had spoken publicly about police officers being paid $66 an hour to provide security at special events. He had also stored opinions about that fact on a laptop computer he was carrying when police approached him outside his Charleston Avenue businesses Friday morning.

"He was ordered to drop the laptop, turn around and bend over, and to smile when he did it," said police Sgt. Chester P. Buzzworth. "He did not comply within 15 seconds, and in those situations lethal force is the only option."

It is unclear how many rounds were fired because homeless people immediately descended on the scene to collect bullets and bullet casings for recycling. So far this month, Las Vegas police have shot at least 632 people.

Isbutt was an Arts District pioneer who had grown increasingly frustrated with government regulations covering zoning and licensing. He was known around town as Wes Myles because ... well, because his last name was Isbutt.

He told the Las Vegas Review-Journal that he was thinking about leaving town, with the $66-an-hour required expenditure for off-duty police officers chief among the reasons why.

Several city officials visited police headquarters to ask about Isbutt's complaints this week. However, when they emerged from the building, they were pale as ghosts and trembling with what appeared to be abject fear. They refused to talk to reporters.

Buzzworth said the conversation with city officials was productive: "The public can sleep easily knowing that heavily armed men will be guarding all cultural events downtown. The streets, and our paychecks, are secure."

Some were worried that Benjamin Spillman, the R-J reporter who wrote the story that contained the $66-an-hour fact, might also be the target of several dozen police-issued firearms. But a confidential police source said Spillman did not need to worry.

"Fuck, that Mower kid's still alive, right?" he said, referring to Lawrence Mower, who wrote an in-depth investigative series about how Las Vegas police frequently shoot innocent, unarmed people or violate department shooting policies but face no consequences.

"Sure, people still read the newspaper sometimes, but it doesn't have the impact it used to," said the source.

Meanwhile, he said, Isbutt's various social media accounts had as many as 3,000 followers. Add that to a dangerous fact and there's no telling how much damage Isbutt could've done, the source said.

"Good God," he said. "What if that arts guy had Tweeted something?"