I can't believe my eyes

I have a strange condition. I don't perceive things right sometimes. In fact, it sometimes seems my brain deliberately twists what I see and hear, purely for prurient or amusement purposes. It's not me poking fun; it's my actual experience.

An example: In college, my buddies and I were brainstorming a name for an annual football game for those of us stuck at school for the Thanksgiving holidays. We were trying for a play on Christmas, and one guy said, in an ominous voice, "Season's greetings!" You know, like, "I just knocked you down! Happy holidays!"

But I heard "Season's beatings!" — which I repeated, and everyone burst out laughing and a tradition was born.

I think this condition is only getting worse here in Vegas. There's so much visual stimuli, much of it already naughty, that my misinterpretation lobe is working overtime. Take this sign:



Invariably, I read "Loose sluts!" out of the corner of my eye. (Then again, that might be the intent .... and who measures whether a slut is exactly 25 percent looser, anyway?)

I hit a new low the other day, though. At a stop light, my peripheral vision picked up part of a sign: An N and a T, and a V, and an OR.

My brain flashed to "GIANT VIBRATOR."

The light turned green. In the intersection, I was able to see what the sign actually said.

It was the Saint Viator Catholic Church.

Yep. If hell exists, my bunk is already booked.