Rental Romeo update (reader discretion advised)

I guess the competition for sleaziest roommate ad is an ongoing one, and we have a new champion. Indeed, this fellow sets the bar so high (as in low), I doubt he'll be beaten in our lifetimes. He certainly blows the old champ out of the stadium.

So here it is, under the title, "OPEN MINDED PETITE FEMALE WANTED FOR FWB/RWB":

Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it ...

It gets worse from there — apparently he's creating santorum with his ex-girlfriend's little sister, yet still makes a plea to get back with his ex. Then he actually gets to his roommate ad for his 3 br/2.5 ba place:

Hello LADIES of Sin City..are you an OUTCALL ONLY service provider OR an open minded,petite spinner,do you have problems with your credit so your housing options are limited,do you live in one of those run down,drug infested daily/weeklys ... Rent is Neg.upon services provided around the home.....I am for real,please be also....

Why is all this in the same ad? Who the hell knows? You've got to work really, really hard to mangle a Craigslist post this badly. Best of luck to you, dude.

Now, it took me long enough, but I figured out "friend with benefits" and "roommate with benefits." But what the hell's a "spinner"?

(P.S. Want to read the whole ad? Of course you do. Here.)

Rental Romeos

There's a curious phenomenon you'll encounter when searching for an apartment in Las Vegas — at least, you will if you search for an apartment on Craigslist. Some people are confusing the rental listings with the personals:

Brand new SW Las Vegas 3800 sq ft home. Near 215 and Durango.
The house is two story.2 bedroom furnished, each bedroom has it’s
own bathroom, carpeted, have blinds. All the appliances are brand new (
side by side refrigerator, front, loading washer/dryer, dishwasher and
much more. No pets, non-smokers preferred, clean, responsible, quiet
area. Seek professional female (Asian) preferred.

Weird, huh? (AND the poster used the wrong form of "its"!) Now, Exhibit A is not the strongest example of this phenomenon — it's not clear that the poster is even male, although the suggestion is quite strong. Plenty of renters seek female roommates because there are already women in the house, or because a bathroom is shared, etc. Still, unless you've got "me love you long time" fantasies, why would you specifically ask for an Asian girl?

Okay, onward:

SUBMISSIVE FEMALE WANTED
WOULD LIKE TO RENT TO A PERSON THAT WOULD HELP A LITTLE
AROUND THE HOUSE WITH SOME COOKING , CLEANING & ETC .
WE SMOKE CIGS. & HAVE PETS . OPEN MINDED TO ALL OFFERS .
HAVE ?s PLEASE ASK , THANKS

Rent trades are not uncommon — but submissive? (Of course, a dom girl isn't exactly going to clean up after you, right?)

Next we have this sleazebag, although I will give him points for honesty:

Room for free! Pretty willing girls only!
I own a beautiful home on the south side of town — if you're a pretty lady,
broke, and need someone to take care of you ... contact me.

I feel dirty having copied and pasted that. Take five while I wash my hands ... you may need to disinfect your eyeballs. Just don't use pure bleach, okay?

Alright. Finally, now, here's the champ:

$500/1br Are you looking for a room to rent? I have one for you

Hi I'm looking for the right person to rent a room to.
Actually the right female to rent to. She must be
honest and able to make due on the rent. .....

There's more, but it's just standard claptrap. So, you're saying, what makes this guy stand out from the pack? The "make due on the rent" part is a little sleazy, but not explicit. No, his winning touch is the photograph he included "so you know who you will be living with":




Now, the pic is sleazy enough on its own — "Look at me! I'm a player! Move in today, baby!" — but let's put it in context. Well-placed sources inform me that this shot appears to have been taken at the annual Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas, which means this girl is probably an exotic dancer or a porn star. And God bless her for that.

The point is, what woman wants to be roommates with a guy who gets his picture taken with a scantily clad, silicon-chested chick who's only posing with him because she's being paid to? Does that woman exist? No, say I, she does not!

.... But if you want to prove me wrong, e-mail me. My place is bigger than his, and we've got a private pool.

And I definitely won't make you clean.