I can't believe my eyes

I have a strange condition. I don't perceive things right sometimes. In fact, it sometimes seems my brain deliberately twists what I see and hear, purely for prurient or amusement purposes. It's not me poking fun; it's my actual experience.

An example: In college, my buddies and I were brainstorming a name for an annual football game for those of us stuck at school for the Thanksgiving holidays. We were trying for a play on Christmas, and one guy said, in an ominous voice, "Season's greetings!" You know, like, "I just knocked you down! Happy holidays!"

But I heard "Season's beatings!" — which I repeated, and everyone burst out laughing and a tradition was born.

I think this condition is only getting worse here in Vegas. There's so much visual stimuli, much of it already naughty, that my misinterpretation lobe is working overtime. Take this sign:



Invariably, I read "Loose sluts!" out of the corner of my eye. (Then again, that might be the intent .... and who measures whether a slut is exactly 25 percent looser, anyway?)

I hit a new low the other day, though. At a stop light, my peripheral vision picked up part of a sign: An N and a T, and a V, and an OR.

My brain flashed to "GIANT VIBRATOR."

The light turned green. In the intersection, I was able to see what the sign actually said.

It was the Saint Viator Catholic Church.

Yep. If hell exists, my bunk is already booked.

Random bits

1. Sign on Jake's, a bar on Eastern Blvd.: "If you drink to forget," it says, "please pay in advance."

2. If you've ever wondered whether having ads on your blog pays real money, I can testify that it does. As of yesterday, Google owed me all of one U.S. cent.

3. This story unfortunately leaves out some of the better details of the investigation into an illegal massage parlor in Las Vegas. (Yes, some things are illegal here. Like armed robbery. The ol' "what happens in Vegas" slogan ain't working, O.J.)

The police had just arrested one masseuse on prostitution charges and were asking one of the owners about the business. I have no idea what goes on behind those closed doors, the owner said, and I'm just here performing wraps and facials.

The detective was skeptical and asked to see the equipment used to warm towels. (I guess Vegas cops know their way around a spa. Go figure.) The owner pointed out, in the officer's words, "a rice cooker in the literal sense which did not look very sanitary."

A PDF of the very entertaining report is available here. (Click on agenda item 67.)

Rental Romeo update (reader discretion advised)

I guess the competition for sleaziest roommate ad is an ongoing one, and we have a new champion. Indeed, this fellow sets the bar so high (as in low), I doubt he'll be beaten in our lifetimes. He certainly blows the old champ out of the stadium.

So here it is, under the title, "OPEN MINDED PETITE FEMALE WANTED FOR FWB/RWB":

Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it ...

It gets worse from there — apparently he's creating santorum with his ex-girlfriend's little sister, yet still makes a plea to get back with his ex. Then he actually gets to his roommate ad for his 3 br/2.5 ba place:

Hello LADIES of Sin City..are you an OUTCALL ONLY service provider OR an open minded,petite spinner,do you have problems with your credit so your housing options are limited,do you live in one of those run down,drug infested daily/weeklys ... Rent is Neg.upon services provided around the home.....I am for real,please be also....

Why is all this in the same ad? Who the hell knows? You've got to work really, really hard to mangle a Craigslist post this badly. Best of luck to you, dude.

Now, it took me long enough, but I figured out "friend with benefits" and "roommate with benefits." But what the hell's a "spinner"?

(P.S. Want to read the whole ad? Of course you do. Here.)

Nitty gritty

Las Vegas is all abuzz these days with its Downtown Renaissance. Fremont Street, East Fremont, the Arts District, high-rise condo projects, new neon signs, new trendy nightspots ... the mayor, cracking wise as usual, even advised some folks to rob a bank so they could buy downtown real estate, because pretty soon it would be too valuable even for bank robbers to acquire.

Which is all good - but no one seems to have informed the homeless people of the imminent gentrification.

For you casual Vegas visitors, you should know that most of The Strip is not Las Vegas. It's in Clark County. The actual city of Las Vegas starts, for the most part, at Sahara Avenue on the north end of the strip, near the Stratosphere, and goes north from there ... yes, the sketchy, scary part of Las Vegas Boulevard. There's a little island of pleasantness around the Fremont Street Experience, El Cortez and City Hall, but north, east and south of those locations can be pretty grim.

Indeed, a park across the street from City Hall has been nicknamed the Stewart Street Hotel because it's overrun with homeless people during the day. (And who can blame them? Great shade in that park.) Which means people who spend any amount of time downtown - and really, it's worth a visit - need to be prepared.

So, for your consideration, I offer:

THE SENSELESS CITY GUIDE
TO DEALING WITH HOMELESS PEOPLE

• DO acknowledge the homeless person; nod, say hi, engage in meaningless banter.
• DO NOT actually have a conversation.
• If walking, DO NOT stop for any reason.

I'm downtown a lot for work, and it's amazing how these first three rules solve pretty much any issue.

For instance, the other day, as I was walking to my car, a man started calling out to me as I approached.

"Blah blah blah blah?" he said.

"Sorry. Can't hear you," I answered.

"Blah blah blah blah?" he said again.

I put my finger to my ear and shrugged, never breaking stride. Finally we were close enough to converse.

"Are you a police officer?" he said.

"No," I said, still walking. (It wasn't a strange question; we were close to a police station.)

"I didn't think so," the man said, moving back to his bench where a half-peeled orange was waiting for him. "You know, I have a lot of problems in my life."

"Don't we all," I replied, still moving. My back was now toward him.

"What? I can't hear you," he said.

I smiled; he'd turned that around nicely. I looked over my shoulder and repeated, "Don't we all?" - and just kept going.

The point is, homeless people are almost never aggressive, as long as you acknowledge them as a person sharing the same space as you, show no fear and demonstrate that you're just going to go about your business.

• DO NOT give a homeless person money.
• If standing still — for instance, waiting at a crosswalk — DO NOT cringe, make a face, or move away from the person.
• If necessary, DO stand your ground.

So it's not charitable, but there it is. A couple of times a week I get hustled for spare change (one guy actually asked for a dime; like, wow, man, that's so 60's), and I always just shake my head pleasantly (I hope) and keep walking.

The thing is, you can't get annoyed about it. These folks are just trying to scavenge something from the day. Sometimes, however, you have to be firm.

This is particularly the case at the east end of Fremont Street, where there's an ATM. It's right across the street from City Hall, yet it's still a sketchy corner, and withdrawing money there is always a little nerve-wracking.

One evening I was taking out my weekend party funds there when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a disheveled-looking man walking behind me. "Hey," he said, "you got a five for me?"

"Not today," I answered jovially, and he continued down the street. Then he stopped and turned around.

"Can I ask you a question?" he said.

"No," I said, is as much of a James Earl Jones voice I could muster. (Seriously — would Darth Vader get hassled at the cash machine?)

He gave me a dirty look. That pissed me off. He's the one who committed the major breach of street etiquette by trying to engage a stranger in conversation during an active ATM transaction. And he's gonna get huffy with me? The guy stood there for a moment while I ignored him. Then he gave an annoyed snort and walked off.

• DO NOT antagonize or criticize a homeless person.

This is my favorite homeless guy story. It was many years ago in New Orleans, and I was walking down a crowded Canal Street with a group of friends. A short, slight homeless guy approached us (in my memory, he resembles the Benjamin character on Lost) and asked for money.

"Get a job," I sneered. (Yeah, I know. How original! But c'mon — I was 18 and trying to look cool.)

That set him off. His face contorted in anger, and he followed us a little ways down the street. Then he hoisted himself up on a lamp post so that his head and shoulders were above the pedestrians and let me have a piece of his mind:

"The burning hellfire awaits the unbelievers!" he shouted. "Cursed are those who turn their backs on Jesus!" .... or something like that. It was vintage "Jesus gonna roast you in hell for your sins" gibberish.

But, in his own way, the guy had a point. There was no reason for me to be a jerk.

I'm shocked. Shocked!

A U.S. District Court ruling on brothels is still making waves.

In July, the court struck down a state law that kept brothels from advertising in counties where prostitution is illegal, and since then we've had one of those truck-mounted billboards cruising near The Strip and brothel ads appearing in Las Vegas CityLife and the edition of the Review-Journal that is distributed in tourist areas.

So we've got advertising in Las Vegas for brothels, which are legal in many parts of Nevada but not in Clark County — which to me is like making marijuana legal everywhere in Oregon except for Portland and Eugene.

But what's really funny is watching people get their panties all twisted up over the prospect of seeing a brothel ad. The state attorney general has promised to appeal the decision, but I'm not liking his chances — the case is going to the 9th Circuit, which is the court that said "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance constitutes a religious endorsement. Still, the Supreme Court could help him out.

Until then, though, we'll have ads for brothels. In Las Vegas!

Holy shit!

People will know they can buy sex in Nevada!

Legally!

Seriously, that seems to be the concern of Larry Struve, who was quoted in the R-J as wondering whether Stephens Media (which owns the R-J and CityLife) was being a good corporate citizen:

"If these ads are in the largest newspaper in Nevada," Struve said, "people will have the impression that it is approved."

Uh, dude? These brothels are legal. That means they're already approved.

Then he said, "We want to create an image of the state as a family-friendly place."

Poor Larry. Family friendly? This place was built on being explicitly unfriendly to families - hell, downright hostile. Vegas is no place for the meek, the weak, or children.

To make this state family friendly, you'd have to get rid of the brothels, along with the casinos - which are everywhere, you know. On my daily commute, I go through at least two school zones that are right in front of casinos.

Then, of course, the neighborhood strip clubs and massage parlors have to go (where else are you going to find a massage place that's open 'til midnight right next to a Washington Mutual bank branch?). Also, the liquor stores, and the liquor aisles and slot machine rooms at the grocery stores, and pretty much all the entertainment in town - which will be gone anyway, because most of the shopping, bowling, dance clubs, live music venues and movie theaters are - guess what? - in the casinos!

And what will you have then? A dull version of Utah, that's what - except hotter, with less water and no skiing. Oh, and no tax revenue, either.

Yeah, that's a goal.