NRA unveils 'Pack a Piece for Jesus' initiative

FAIRFAX, Va. – In the aftermath of a shooting that left nine dead at a Charleston, S.C., church, the National Rifle Association announced a “Pack a Piece For Jesus” campaign that the gun rights organization said would “ensure religious liberty is protected the only way that liberty can be protected – with high-caliber ammunition.”

“(Preferably hollow point),” the NRA statement added.

All churchgoers should bring loaded firearms to services this weekend, according to the NRA’s call to arms. 

“Any assault in a church is an assault on Jesus, and since Jesus founded America, we must answer force with force and firearms with firearms,” said NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre at a press conference. 

“Pistol-packing parishioners would do well to buy bullets in bulk while brushing up on the Bible.”

The attack on the historic Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church shocked the nation, as a white man with apparently racist views allegedly gunned down people engaged in Bible study.

LaPierre also turned to the Bible in advocating for the NRA’s Jesus-needs-your-guns position.

“I know the Bible says, ‘He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone,’ ” he said. “But that was then. What good is ‘throwing a stone’? That’s just bringing a slingshot to a gunfight!”

Aides to the NRA president acknowledged that the program would be controversial, and a wide spectrum of church leaders immediately condemned it, saying that Christianity preaches forgiveness, understanding and community building, not retribution. 

The NRA, however, stood unbowed.

“Listen,” said LaPierre, “it’s just a fact: If Jesus packed heat, he woulda kicked a lot of Roman ass.”

(Want to see Jesus kick some ass? Yes, you do. Click here.)

(Photo credit.)

Breaking News: Hillary Clinton uses telegraph, carrier pigeons

Despite Hillary Clinton's admission that she should've used a government email address instead of a private one while she was secretary of state, controversy continued to dog her with revelations that she routinely uses a telegraph and carrier pigeons in order to get around federal public records rules.

"Oh yeah, she's got a whole squad of retired Navy guys in command centers around the world, manning telegraph machines," said a source who pleaded for anonymity because divulging the information could endanger his testicles. "She can send a message to anywhere, and almost no one has access to it, and even then they'd need to know Morse code."

Stranger still is the use of carrier pigeons by the former First Lady, senator and secretary of state who is poised to be the automatic front-runner for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination. She apparently commissioned a top-secret aviary on the roof of the State Department in Washington, D.C., which served as headquarters for a pigeon messaging network that stretched from Montreal to Arkansas.

She reportedly had an elite kit of pigeons – nicknamed "Pigeon Force One" – that she took with her on overseas trips to conduct secret diplomacy by strapping coded, handwritten messages to the birds' legs.

"When you think about it, it's [expletive] brilliant," said Quincy B. Arthur Chesterfield III, an Australian diplomat and dilettante who runs the only security consulting company that would return Senseless City's calls. "Who looks at [expletive] pigeons? One more 'rat with wings' flying through the air – I mean, who gives a flying [expletive] [expletive]?

"Except for the pigeons, of course," he added. "I'm sure they flying [expletive] [expletive] all the  [expletive] time."

The revelations stem from a bar bet made by Randall Chowley and Thomas "Neo" Anderson (no, not that one), who used to work at the State Department aviary. They had pictures and video from the top-secret site, and therefore won free drinks for the rest of last Friday night as well as 10 minutes apiece alone in the back booth with waitress and bartender Betty Sue, who reportedly turned both of them down for prom 18 years ago.

According to co-workers and neighbors, neither man has been seen nor heard from in several days.

LIVE BLOG UPDATE: Hillary Clinton has called a hasty press conference to deal with these new revelations. I'll do my best to post as we go.

7 p.m.: There are A LOT of people here. I guess you could say we're "flocking" to the story. Ha ha, LOL.

7:06 p.m.: Mrs. Clinton is speaking, but it's weird. She's not looking at the teleprompter, and she's not looking at us either. She seems to be looking at her Secret Service detail and blinking very rapidly .... hold on, she's communicating! My Morse code is rusty, but I'll give it a whirl.

7:09 p.m.: I'm caught up. I'll type as I go .... O O R S  L O C K E D  H A V E  T H E M  A L L  K I L L E D ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

An interview with Sarah Palin's speechwriter

After Sarah Palin’s jaw-dropping performance at the Iowa Freedom Summit, I reached out to her not-quite-official presidential campaign and scored an interview with her speechwriter, here referred to as SPS – Sarah Palin’s Speechwriter.  (He insisted on anonymity because he said being named would interfere with his career as an Alaskan pipeline performance artist. No, I don’t know what that is.)

AC: How did you become Sarah Palin’s speechwriter?

SPS: Well, like all things good, it started at an all-American freedom gun show. Me and my buddy were at the backlot range with the .50-cal, and the guv and her passel came wanderin’ back. She took a turn with the rifle and dropped the engine block out of a pickup truck on the range, and I said, ‘Any woman who can do that should be president of the United States of America.’ So I showed her my book.

AC: What’s your book?

SPS: Grab Freedom By The Balls. It’s my life story.

AC: So then what happened?

SPS: A job interview. I thought it would be all formal, but it was just me and her and a plate of Rocky Mountain Oysters at this joint called the Dewdrop Inn.

AC: Wow. That’s all of a theme, your book and the oysters.

SPS: Huh?

AC: Please continue. 

SPS: So she said, ‘I need strong words. Grizzly words. Words that stomp all over the lame-stream media with all their canoodlin’ with the Meetup Wall Street activist types that’s corroding our country into jackboots between a rock and a hard place in the frying pan.’

AC: Huh?

SPS: So I said, ‘Guv, I got rogue grizzly words. No rules with my words. You can maverick the shit out of them, pardon my Swahili.’ She liked that. ‘Pardon my Swahili.’ I’m surprised she hasn’t whipped that one out on the trail.

AC: Well, people pretty much think she stepped in it at the Iowa Freedom Summit. Did you write that speech?

SPS: Darn tootin’. And she didn’t step in it – she stepped on it. She stomped her boots down on all comers and floored that NASCAR attack through the glass ceiling.

AC: That doesn’t make any –

SPS: Listen, to the conservative real Americans, all the guv has to do is remind ’em of her family values and the mama bear instincts and handlin’ a moose when she finds one, and remember, the man will try to ride you like a Saul Alinsky trick from his Black Friday anarchist’s cookbook, but don’t buy any retreads – the truth is in the American pie. And Sarah Palin has the birthday cake for America.

AC: She has cake, but no pie?

SPS: Exactly. It’s birthday cake in America. Let’s blow some candles.